I won't
by Permanent
Summary: Touka feels down. mild post-time skip spoilers.
1. I won't

"What's wrong, Touka-chan?"

Touka snaps out of her distracted state. Her friend's voice is heightened with hints of nervousness. Touka struggles to come up with an excuse—any plausible excuse—to Yoriko, who now stares at her. The food in their bento boxes are left untouched. Touka attempts to make a cheerful gesture by donning a smile, and makes some hand motions as if she means to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. Yet she knows that Yoriko knows that she is lying—they have been friends for more than a year, after all. Touka is a good liar, when she conceals her secret identity and isn't affected by her emotions. Usually.

But today seems different. The emotions are still raw. Touka feels... sad. She doesn't know how exactly to process this sadness in a way that's healthy, and certainly in a way that does not expose her true identity. So she doesn't say anything, save for a well prepared excuse: "Oh, it's nothing. I just didn't get much sleep last night." It is a truth, a sort of automatic truth that Touka has grown accustomed to repeating at school.

"Yeah right," says Yoriko, whose eyes dart upwards for a moment. She returns to staring her in the eye. Touka adjusts her high school uniform rather uneasily. "You don't think I haven't noticed? It's true you're always sleepy at school, but today... you seem more off than before."

_'Has Yoriko found out?'_ Touka thinks to herself, as she has done more than a hundred times before. She has been walking a thin tightrope for years, and while she should be used to this sort of situation, it nevertheless leaves her in an internal panic. She has really grown fond of her only (fully) human friend Yoriko, and she would hate to lose her—or worse, be found out and sentenced to death by the likes of the damned Doves. The panic arrives in a flash and then it disappears. Touka awaits her friend's next words and actions. She doesn't say anything; she's not in the mood for some half-assed explanation.

"Is there someone on your mind?"

"Hah?" Touka is taken aback. "Yoriko—"

"Oh please. University exams are coming up. You've been studying vigorously (and I should do the same), but sometimes you..." Yoriko takes a breath. "You look sad. Unfocused. ... You have someone you like, right?"

"Um, well yeah but—" Touka involuntarily admits before she stops herself from venturing into dangerous territory.

Yoriko grabs Touka's hands and keeps them in a firm grip. "Wha—" Touka exclaims in muffled protest but Yoriko cuts her off with a pleading look.

"Touka, you don't have to lie. I can see it in your eyes. Besides..." Her eyes hover over the tiny object on Touka's desk. Touka follows her glance and, with a jolt, recognises it. It's a miniature rabbit doll with a loose string attached to a cell phone. Hers. "That guy with the eyepatch... Eyepatch-kun gave it to me to give to you. If I remember correctly, it was on your birthday."

One look is all it takes for her to confirm her suspicions.

"I knew it! That guy, I think he was at your apartment too when I came the other day—you like him, don't you?" Yoriko stares at the flustered Touka, her question clearly answered. "I know it, I can see it in your eyes. Well..." She removes her hands from Touka's and frowns, her eyes averted momentarily. "Forgive me for the intrusion, but... did you guys break up?"

In a second, Touka Kirishima flashbacks to their last moments. Their first meeting in a long while in the most unfavorable circumstances on the rooftop, amid the noise of gunshots and murderous intent. How lightly she was held, how she could feel his kindhearted presence even when everything else about him had changed, how rough his hands caressed her legs and skin and her in her entirety. The way he spoke, loudly proclaimed _"I won't,"_ and the harsh treatment he dealt to her troublesome brother. The gentle kindness he treated her with, his hair now whitened and fingernails stained black—_what had they done to him?_—and his frightening display of enormous strength not like the timid human-loving boy she'd often scold at the Anteiku.

And then his last words, his damned last words, even when she'd wanted to join his team after the conclusion of the raid, even when he'd promised never, to _never_—

"No!"

The sharp cry escapes Touka's mouth before she can suppress it. Yoriko drops her hands; her frown grows larger. Touka bites her lips. She struggles to hold back her emotions from spilling all over her normally stoic figure—all too raw. It hurts her pride and self-assured independence to admit it, but nothing is more painful than the futile feeling of loss and abandonment—the bleak rejection of her self, once accepted and then discarded like unwanted trash. Her brother Ayato had already done her a number in, and now this. When would it stop? Yoriko would understand it, wouldn't she? It seems like a common human sentiment.

_'Ha, a human helping me?'_ thinks Touka. The idea seems laughable, quite absurd. And yet... This is Yoriko. She could be trusted, at least to that extent.

"I mean," Touka hastily recovers, "it's not like we were even a _couple_ in the beginning. He's just not here anymore so..." Something in her throat stops her from finishing her train of thought.

Suddenly she feels an embrace around her shaking body. So warm. Comfortable. And so gentle. Almost like K—

"I get it," Touka hears her friend whispering in her ear, "You don't have to say anything more. I've heard all I need to hear, and—" Their embrace slowly unravels, and Touka notices Yoriko's look of determination on her face. "You're not alone. I know exactly what'll cheer you up."

"Whatever do you mean?" Touka mumbles glumly.

Yoriko peels off the cover of her bento box and instantly the rotten stench perpetuates the air. But Touka doesn't pay attention to the smell. She looks in light confusion at her smiling high school classmate and friend.

"This."

For the first time in forever, Kirishima Touka breaks out in a smile, comforted.


	2. Rabbit

**RABBIT PHONE CHARM (USAGI KEITAI STRAP)**

**¥700**

He considers the object for a moment, then removes the rabbit-shaped doll with a click. It is fat and white with a look of determination, with a long red string delicately threaded in a tell-tale loop. With a traditional headband and small fists pumped in the air, the rabbit seems as if it's cheering for success along the lines of _Good luck!_

_'How cute,'_ he thinks._ 'It's perfect.' _

Just as quickly as he makes his decision, he goes straight to the cashier, careful not to make any signs or movements of a ghoul — none of this intensity he feels in his mind and body. _Ding_. The store clerk looks up from her smart phone and eyes him and the phone charm he's holding up without any sound. Sighing, she turns off her phone and walks towards him, flashing him a retailer's smile. "Good evening!"

"Evening."

"Is this for your girlfriend?" she says all too cheery as she scans the bar code for the object of interest.

Startled, Kanaki doesn't respond right away. When he does, it's a mumble. "Something like that," he says, half-turning away from the clerk in half-assed denial, feeling his face growing warm. _'Girlfriend...'_

"Mmm..." The woman leans across the counter, her arms crossed. It's the same story, every time whenever a dashing young man (or a boy) purchases an absolutely adorable phone charm. Such gifts are terribly popular among girls in Japan. "It's very lovely. I'm sure she'll like it."

"... I hope so." Something about the customer's behavior — perhaps it is how he resumes his nonchalant state or the pursing of his lips — tips her off to the nature of their relationship. Call it a woman's intuition or whatever, but the way his voice holds steady, tinged with the slightest of pain, in response troubles her. She finishes scanning the phone charm. "That'd be seven hundred yen."

He rummages in his pocket and clumsily deposits the tarnished one thousand yen note into her outstretched hand. She instinctively puts it into the cash register. "Would you like a bag, sir?"

"No thanks."

She hands the rabbit phone charm to him. Just as he takes his leave, she calls out to him. "Hey boy! Word of wisdom — you gotta tell her how you feel!"

He stops in his tracks, as if to consider her words. Then he turns to the cashier and breaks out into a small smile, his eye closed in hearty laughter, his left hand gently grasping the item. "I'll try."

.

.

.

"Hm? I feel like I've seen a familiar face..."

"Yoriko-chan. Would you please give this to Touka-chan?"

"Eh?"

". . ."

He leaves.

.

.

.

_Hah. Hah. _

"You—damned—bastard," Touka mutters under her breath, gasping for some traces of air.

_Hah. Hah. _

She's panting, she's just run after him, but he's not here or anywhere else that she can see in her vicinity.

_Hah. Hah. _

It's been hours and hours and hours since she received that so-called birthday gift. She looks down at her feet, clenching her fists as she stands up properly. The sky is lit with the last rays of the sunset, creating an array of warm colours. Nearby is a church, but it doesn't matter in this moment.

_Huh._

"... That is unfair of you, Kaneki..."


	3. School

Headphones on, Touka examines the notes she's written that day. Classes are a snooze (quite literal), but with the university entrance exams coming up, she's really had to focus. It is a sort of thing that her father would have wanted—a normal life that she chose when the manager asked her to consider it. Touka Kirishima is a good student since she now knows how to not get into trouble, even with disagreeable classmates. Years of experience living as a ghoul in human disguise have made her wise to the ways of humans, as well as the amount of cruelty and kindness they are entirely capable of. Plus, seeking and getting attention are the last thing on her mind. Though she definitely would not hesitate to beat up any classmates who sometimes pick on her precious Yoriko-chan (thankfully they've learned their lesson—Touka is _freaking_ strong—and they've their exams to worry about too).

She exhales a bit of a morose sigh; the soundtrack in her ears has shifted to a gloomier tone. Touka briefly considers reshuffling her playlist but decides against it—the music is not that gloomy. Yet. Touka turns the page of her biology textbook, taking in special consideration of the rather in-depth text on the biology of a ghoul's body, at least on the high school level. She thinks back to the moment when she first learned about ghouls in school.

/

/

/

"He-hello. M-my name is Kirishima Touka." She bowed to the class in front of her. She was so scared, not because she had stage fright, but because she wasn't certain whether she could control herself around humans. Even though her father had encouraged and taught her and Ayato to live among the humans the way they lived... even though he ultimately paid the price for his act of madness.

"Pl-Please... take care of me." Her words came in bits and pieces, cautious and apprehensive. How was she to live among the humans, let alone be in the same class almost every day for years? The smells they exerted from their young bodies were beginning to take a toll on her mind. She was seriously starting to regret her decision.

There was a small silence. Touka gulped involuntarily, not having familiarized herself with the school customs yet. It was her first time in school, and she already felt so behind her classmates, both academically and socially. She felt a hand on her back, as if to comfort her. Her new teacher.

"She hasn't been to school in Japan, so please give her some time to adjust," he said. He looked pointedly at one student in particular. "Touka, you may take the seat behind Yoriko. She's great, so she'll help you get used to school." Yoriko waved to the new student. Touka bit her lips—her new classmate's scent was alluring with a hint of daisies—and followed her to her seat.

"Hi! I'm Yoriko. Although I guess sensei already introduced us... Anyway, it's very nice to meet you, please take care of me." Yoriko waved and gave Touka a friendly smile. Touka smiled nervously.

.

.

.

"Currently it is known that the ghouls derive their nutrition from a primary, and so far the only known, food source: human beings. They—"

"This is bullshit," Touka thought to herself in exasperation.

"Excuse me?" The students' heads turned toward the new student.

"Eh? I didn't say anything, Ishida-sensei." She was careful to pay the authority some respect, even as the honorific sensei did not roll off her tongue as smoothly as she would have liked.

He frowned, readjusting his rimmed glasses. "I know that you haven't been there long, but there's no need to speak out in turn. Now, would you please explain to me why you think my lesson is, to put it in appropriate terms, not worth listening to?" His patience was beginning to wear out.

Touka gritted her teeth. Her tightrope had become thinner, and she was ready to fall off any time now. If she didn't do something about this situation, her identity could be exposed and she would be forced to leave. Not that it mattered to _them_.

"Um, sensei," Yoriko said, raising her hand a tiny bit. "Could it be that Touka-chan doesn't know about ghouls?" Touka looked at her classmate in barely concealed surprise. "I-I mean... it's just a myth, isn't it? Right, Touka-chan?"

"Y-Yeah. I just personally find it hard to believe," Touka lied, taking Yoriko's cue and hastily covering up her tracks. "Sensei, do they really exist?"

Ishida-sensei closed and put the textbook on his desk with a heavy sigh. "Class," he said. "As it is right now, the curriculum for high school dictates that we must study the history and biology of ghouls, yes? Everyone knows of CCG? The Commission of Counter Ghoul?"

Everyone nodded, including the reluctant Touka with trepidation.

"Look. If the ghouls never existed, then we would not have the CCG, yes? The information we have on hand is, to the best knowledge of CCG revealed to the public, accurate. That's not to say that they aren't theories.

"Remember Darwin and evolution? Evolution may be a theory but it is widely accepted by scientists, so we biologists teach it. This is the same for the theory of ghouls. Multiple incidents in the surrounding wards, though our 20th Ward is very peaceful, have forced us to reconsider this theory. We think it is true, hence it will be taught and tested. Understood?" He gestured to the door to his left. "If you disagree, you may walk out."

"Y-yes," Touka said. "Understood, sir." She understood too well.

"Excellent. Now, as I was saying, it appears that ghouls are unable to digest nutrients of non-human origin, likely due to a particular enzyme..."

/

/

/

_According to ghoul research conducted by Kamii University in collaboration with the CCG, a main feature of the body of a ghoul is a specific sack-like organ unique to ghouls called _kakuhou_. Its chief purpose is to store a concentration of Rc cells, a type of cells also found in humans. The kakuhou may be positioned in a certain area on the back of a ghoul depending on its Rc type (Figure 12). The ukaku-type ghoul's kakuhou is located in its shoulder, whereas the koukaku-type's is located... _

She skims the text on ghouls, humming some lyrics to herself. By her third year, she has amassed a wealth of knowledge on the human body and anatomy, and yet so few precious gems on her own species. How terribly ironic, yet perfectly reasonable considering that most ghouls do not attend school and especially rarer that they would become professors. One day though, she would like to go to Kamii University like Nishiki Nishio and… Ken Kaneki.

If they could do it, then she too could do it.

To be frank, her initial motivation for attending school had been to learn as much about the human world so that Touka could protect her little brother. She had failed miserably at that task, and her little brother had joined the opposing organization known as the Aogiri Tree. Sometimes she worries about him, even though in her heart she knows that Ayato is just as strong as her, if not stronger lest he would not have lasted long with the Aogiri Tree. Their fateful-slash-fatal reunion had been too much for her to bear; when she first saw him at Anteiku she had been overcome with profound relief: he was alive and well; but to see him on the side of her enemy _and _his actions hell bent on injuring her just because she had chosen their father's pacifist coexistence with humans—

Touka frowns, scribbling annotations on her notebook. _Just like rock-paper-scissors, the ukaku-type is superior in speed and agility to the binkaku-type. Next is the koukaku, which is superior to the ukaku-type in strength and power_.

There was another thing to consider. At first school had been her desire to accumulate knowledge, but then it had evolved into something of a personal mission for the sake of her kind. Months ago Kaneki-kun had told her, even when she'd said—practically begged him—she'd come with him on his personal mission, some god-awful painful words:

_"This is good-bye, Touka-chan." _

… The hell?

Kaneki should have known more than anyone else just how powerful and incredibly capable Touka is of fighting. Yet ever since his abduction, Kaneki's actions have become severely unpredictable and his personality has become darker. She deeply misses the dark-haired college student, even though she cannot bring herself to admit the fact. She knows that everyone at Anteiku has noticed, but she doesn't bring the topic up and neither do they. In a short span of just a few months, that one-eyed ghoul had done so much for Anteiku.

'What the _hell_ is that bastard thinking,' she murmurs to no one in particular. 'Leaving us behind just like that…' _Ugh_.

Trying to distract herself from the sickness growing in her stomach, Touka selects a purple pen and color-codes the diagram of ghoul anatomy. Since she could not be of apparent use to the white-haired bastard, she had instead focused on her high school studies, if partly to distract her from the situation. Her ineptitude with literature be damned. At the very least she could pull Nishiki away from his beloved Kimi to tutor her, even if it means paying for his trifle obsession with Blondy and promising to cover his work shifts. Why he enjoyed that instant coffee brand more than her espresso coffee, she would never know.

But really, what she wants is to be by his side, fighting and protecting, like she had done in the very beginning. Then again, Kaneki made it very clear that he no longer needed her. He reneged on his promise.

Touka takes off her headphones.

"Alright." _Just you wait, you selfish bastard._

* * *

A/N: I wasn't sure if I wanted to make this a separate one-shot or include this in a series of Touka-centric drabbles (with hints of Touka/Kaneki). I haven't a clue where I'm heading with this, but I was particularly intrigued by Touka's decision to enroll and remain in school as a ghoul disguised as a human. It must have been very tough for her. Thank you for following, and please continue to let me know what you think!


End file.
